For those of you who have tried to keep up with my life and have wanted to be invested in me, but haven't been able to because of my extended absence from being intimate in a social setting, I apologize. I have been blessed with many amazing people in my life and know a lot of loving and caring people, and like Neil Young, I plan to thank you each individually one of these days. I'm sorry it's been more than a year since I've published anything on here. One day I'll write down the stories from the last year.
As for today, I'm going to do my best to focus on one idea that has been resonating strongly with me over the last 6-10 months and I'll do my best to give you guys an idea of how I've been living; struggles, and successes. I've been thinking a lot about the relationship of self control and self discipline.
If you've been keeping up with my Facebook statuses, you might have noticed that on November 1, I married a wonderful, strong, beautifully effervescent yet refreshingly practical, woman (well, maybe you wouldn't have known those things just from looking on Facebook) but if you've been paying REALLY close attention, (I see you, you creepers), you would know that last week, on January 3rd, my wife and I had our first baby. Her name is Rina Jasmin and she is the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on. She has completely stolen my heart and I am beginning to understand some of what it really means to love, to know what The Father's love really means. Her birth has for me, as I'm sure the birth of one's firstborn usually affects a person, surfaced a lot of doubts, fears, worries and weaknesses. I am terrified of what is coming next, and part of it is because of my struggle with self-control and self discipline.
You don't have to be very good at math or physiology to realize that from November to January is definitely NOT enough time to complete a full gestation period. That's because, obviously, my wife and I conceived Rina about 7 months before we were married. Until that time I had remained committed to abstaining from sex, so why the change? Where did the change come from? It's hard to fully explain why we made the decision we did, but part of it comes from this idea of the relationship between self control and self discipline.
One of my favorite verses in the bible is 2 Tim 1:7 (to which I've just supplied the links for the ESV and NIV versions) which says that we have a spirit of self discipline, or depending on the version, self control. For a long time I've been reciting verses I've memorized to myself without dwelling on the meanings. Using the memory of a time when I understood better what the words meant to help me guide myself so that I don't have to wait patiently, listening. In the same letter Paul wrote to Timothy that scripture is "God-breathed". If I believe that God is a living God, that his breath provides life, then it falls to logic that his words are not only living, but life-giving. By reciting a verse that comforted me without engaging with the spirit that offers understanding, I wandered away from an understanding that surpasses language, and I was limited to the words I told myself over and over again. Effectively, I was using the bible to escape from God.
Self control vs Self Discipline
In my struggle to obtain a lazy sort of righteousness (That is doing good things separated from searching the the spirit of God) I tend to understand this verse as saying that I have a spirit of self control. I can control my life, my thoughts and fears; I can decide the direction of my life and I can determine where I go and whether I do or do not have sex. Self control bound by the language through which I understood (understand) the word is a demonstration of my personal power. This understanding, however, flies in the face of one of the basic tenements of Christianity (Reformed Christianity).
Self discipline, however, is a little different, in my understanding of the language. To me, Self discipline suggests another party's involvement, and in the case of the Christian, I believe that self discipline is not discipline that is conducted on oneself (like the priests who would abuse themselves) but rather is the acceptance of God's discipline and direction in our lives. Instead of trying to control my desires, trying to control the course of my life like I would if I were seeking self-control (self righteousness) I step aside and let God's discipline guide my decisions.
Last year I traded self discipline for self control, and in my attempts to determine the direction of my life God gave me a reminder of how little I can control. I honestly and earnestly believe that my daughter was a gift from the almighty. Before we found out that Yukari was pregnant I was praying that God would show me a glimpse of his power and glory so that I could find my resolve to be self-controlled. God answered my prayer and showed me that my desires to be self-controlled were ill-conceived. He also reminded me of his amazing grace, though and through this whole process over the last year has shown me that truly, all things work together for good.
I'm completely smitten by my wife and daughter and have been truly blessed by much greater things than I can ever hope to deserve. Hopefully you all will be able to see the two beautiful women I'm blessed by soon. Hopefully I'll be able to write more blog entries this year (it was my New Year's resolution)
Thanks so much for reading, for your love and for your prayers. Y'all are the best.
