Today I am full of hope. Maybe it’s the poignant lyrics of the music that I’m listening to, ormaybe it’s the peace I’ve received from reading excerpts from St John of theCross’s “Dark Night of the Soul”, but today I feel a certain level of deliveryfrom my anxieties as to what it is I’m doing in Japan.
I came to this country because in my prayers and in mythoughts I felt so led to be here. I don’tknow why, though. I’ve never been muchof an evangelist; my presentation of the Gospel isn’t usually what we wouldrefer to as “seeker friendly”. I focuson the things that my own faith has been focused on: the idea of complete depravity, the idea thatthere will be a constant struggle that will only lessen as you grow deeper inChrist between your lower instincts (your desires of the flesh) and your higherones (the things you want to do) but to grow in Christ you have to give up oneverything that is you and what you think is your own. This isn’t really a big selling point to alot of people who are just kind of trying on Christianity most of the time.
I’ve been reading a book recommended to me by a friend whilehere in the hospital. It was written bya great evangelist named Mahesh Chavda. In his book he writes about the power of Christ’s blood and the millionsof conversions that he’s seen by way of his messages over the years. Anyway, reading the way he writes and hisgeneral presentation, I can say with more assurance that I am not anevangelist, at least not in the same strain as this man.
Because I don’t typically think of myself as an evangelist Ihave to wonder. Why did God call me tothis country? I came here nearly 9months ago expecting to find some form of ministry or to better understand mycalling once I got here, but so far God has remained silent. What I’ve found instead is a regimen ofspirit-breaking work. I’m writing thispost from the hospital, because after six months of 70-80 hour work weeks (13hours a day, 6 days a week) my body finally had enough and decided to stopworking properly. I have been blessedwith these jobs, with the ability to pay for the loans I took out in order toattend University, and for the experience of working in several differentpositions, but I also know that I have been working too much.
Over the last two months, as fatigue started to set in, Istarted wondering why. Why did God callme here if there is no ministry for me to be involved in? While thankful for the jobs he provided, whydidn’t he show me one with a better salary, so I could afford to live withoutworking in this manner? Why haven’t Ibeen able to hear his guiding spirit to find out what to do next?
I have a feeling that God has been preparing me through thistime. He’s been teaching me, I see now,how to cut out the fat from my life. This is why I’m full of hope today. Today I see how God’s silence isn’t an abandonment it’s a call: a callto come to know him deeper, to walk in discipline towards his righteousness, toseek to be filled with his spirit, not in a way that I can feel, but in a waythat changes my entire manner of living. I’ve been so reliant on feeling and conviction, that I’ve neglected theeveryday presence of the Lord, and I feel as though the last few months havebeen preparing me for a time to come closer to him in ways that I’ve neverknown before.
God has also shown me his glory through prayer these monthsas several longstanding prayers have been answered. This too, lends itself to hopefulness whichbrings joy in despair. This is also atopic that would merit its own post, so I’ll try to work on that later thisweek.
God is again changing my heart to be closer to his own. I know that my life will reflect his glory,so long as I have the courage to let it. Please pray for my courage, for that, now more than ever, is what Ichiefly need.
Sorry for the recent ramblings. Thanks for your prayers and love.
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